here we are again

Hopefully everyone here is also following our journey on Facebook because I have been super remiss about keeping the blog updated.

The short version is this: we went to Tulsa and our adoption failed yet again. I think it's completely normal to want to ask the question "Why?" when you hear that, but honestly the details are unimportant. There is no one to blame and no scapegoat of a reason why this situation didn't work out. These things happen in adoption. They happen all the time. And, unfortunately, they've happened to us far more than we ever expected.

We are still trying to process everything. It is completely baffling to me that we are in this situation again. The word "incomprehensible" comes to mind and I mean it in its purest, most unemotional form. I am not able to comprehend that this is the situation we are facing. I can't wrap my mind around it. 

We're breathing deeply, spending time together as a family of three, and throwing ourselves into some projects here at home. It's been a blessed distraction.

But we are also moving forward. We don't know how this next child is going to join our family, but we will not stop searching until we figure it out.

The word I was given while we waited to hear whether this latest adoption would work out or not was "relentless." If anything, every failure, every "no," has made me more determined to see our family grow. I have never fought so hard or so long for anything in my life. I have never believed in anything so deeply with so little evidence that it will ever come to fruition. There is a minivan parked in my driveway, my kitchen table easily seats eight, and the bedrooms in our house are completely set up for at least three more kids, and still we wait.

I sometimes think about how foolish we must seem to people on the outside looking in when they see us preparing for a family that doesn't yet exist and that we really have no means of bringing into existence. How insane we must appear to be returning over and over to a process that has done little more than leave us rejected, putting back together the pieces of our dreams. But then I think of David dancing half-naked before the ark of the Lord as it finally entered Jerusalem, after many many years of failure and even death, and his response to the condescension he received, "I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes" (2 Samuel 6:21b-22a).

This process, these rejections, have hurt my pride so deeply. I've questioned my worth, our path, whether or not we are even meant to be parents again, but ultimately I always come back to the same answer.  God has called us to adoption. God has called us to extravagant love and a level of transparency that I would never choose on my own. Going all in and committing to every situation that comes our way only to watch things fall apart is undignified - it is humiliating. But we will become even more undignified than this. In the face of our disappointments, we will celebrate the fact that we serve a God who redeems and wait expectantly for the day that He opens a door for us no man can shut.

I remain CONFIDENT of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord 
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. 

(Psalm 27:13-14, emphasis mine)

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